This isn't my official weekly "editorial" on BDD, that will come later, this is just something interesting I heard in my therapy session today.
My therapist, who is amazing, told me that when I am in a relationship, I am an A.... think about the way the letter is structured. Alright, now think about an H. Notice anything similar? The only difference is in an A, the sides of the H have collapsed into eachother. He told me, in a healthy relationship, both sides are equally apart and have a bridge - this bridge is everything they share, but they also do not absorb eachother, as people in an A relationship do...
I just thought this was a nifty little "diagram" of sorts that is totally accurate.
I guess I need to learn not to fall over my bridges!
Monday, September 28, 2009
Sunday, September 27, 2009
Weekend Update: Call Me Evil
Call me evil, but I have to touch on a subject here that has been getting to me. So, for those of you that know, a good portion of the people that were on Hoarders post on the official message board (Located at: http://boards.aetv.com/forum/Share-Your-Thoughts/700182839) but there is a noticeable missing presence: Shirley.
I really would like to know what happened with Shirley (also, for those that don't know, we shared an episode.) Does anyone know?
The reason I said "Call me evil" is because I don't want to know her fate because I am interested in her well-being... I want to know what happened to the cats she was allowed to keep. If someone could inform me, if they have any knowledge at all, I would like to know.
I find it very unlikely she was able to take care of them to the degree they need. I certainly hope I am proven 100% wrong, but alas, I do not have much faith in that possibility.
So, if you have info, PLEASE, post it in the comment section.
Animal hoarding is an extremely serious and unhealthy problem. It is cruelty to the highest degree. I understand that it is out of good intent, but it is extremely harmful (as I'm sure you're all aware) to innocent creatures that have no power over the situation. It makes me want to cry. There are many injustices in this world, but cruelty to animals is the one that stabs me in the jugular the most.
I really would like to know what happened with Shirley (also, for those that don't know, we shared an episode.) Does anyone know?
The reason I said "Call me evil" is because I don't want to know her fate because I am interested in her well-being... I want to know what happened to the cats she was allowed to keep. If someone could inform me, if they have any knowledge at all, I would like to know.
I find it very unlikely she was able to take care of them to the degree they need. I certainly hope I am proven 100% wrong, but alas, I do not have much faith in that possibility.
So, if you have info, PLEASE, post it in the comment section.
Animal hoarding is an extremely serious and unhealthy problem. It is cruelty to the highest degree. I understand that it is out of good intent, but it is extremely harmful (as I'm sure you're all aware) to innocent creatures that have no power over the situation. It makes me want to cry. There are many injustices in this world, but cruelty to animals is the one that stabs me in the jugular the most.
Saturday, September 26, 2009
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Perfection, Symmetry, and Barbie Dolls!
It's no secret to anyone that we live in a society obsessed with beauty. This topic is much of a dead horse; it has been debated and discussed with fervor since the beginning of modern media. Children are force fed a lie that all adults are physically gorgeous. Alas, even in my childhood, the ages of Disney and innocence, before even a fifth grader knew the word fuck, I was fed lies too: Do women really all look like Ariel, Jasmine, Cinderella, or Barbie? And the men, are they all masculine heroes hell-bent on machismo? These are well known fallacies to adults, and I admit, in the context of a children's cartoon, they are innocent.
However, at what cost do we view the cover of Vogue, or Cosmopolitan? It is a hard enough lot for a "normal," healthy, sane individual to drown in these subliminal messages. Even as TV moves towards a more normal reality, it does so in an unhealthy manner. Yes, Khloe Kardashian is not the skinny princess we grew up with, but is she not still insanely beautiful? Most people do not look like that, at all.
As someone with BDD, these thoughts are pure poison. Even viewing a female, something I have no desire to be, fills me with sadness. In a country so obsessed with symmetry and beauty, it is deathly terrifying to view myself in the mirror and realize I am not that at all, and I never will be.
One thing I have learned in BDD treatment is symmetry is non-existant. For those that are curious to see what their face looks like symmetrically, I implore you, follow the instructions on this link: http://www.photoshopfacelift.com/tutorials/symmetrical-face/index.php
Nature is not symmetrical. Indeed, I can see the beauty in everyone else's face but my own. I often thought with my ex-boyfriend "God he's so attractive, his face is perfect" - I was challenged by my therapist, Daniel, to find inconsistencies in his facial symmetry. I was shocked to find that almost every single feature in his face was asymmetrical. His jaw, nose, eyes, lips, almost everything was uneven, but it was something my brain chose to ignore for the sake of my negative grandiosity.
So if he can be asymmetrical and beautiful, why can't I? This question resounds in my head, constantly. From a purely selfish stand-point, a quick glance in the mirror answers this question for me: my nose is ugly, it's misshapen, uneven, and fat. But really, from a realistic point of view, is this not a bizarre double-standard I hold against myself? How often do I come across someone and think the same thing about them? This condemnation is unrealistic. Sure, I have come across people in my past and had similar thoughts, but were these not clearly extreme cases, in which their nose was so noticeably deformed that it did nothing but draw my attention to it?
But such is the nature of BDD. Cruel, and discriminating. To spit on everything you know to be real in your life. To tell you the lie that you are held to a higher standard than others, to force the idea of "perfection or disaster" down your throat until you are gurgling under it's massive pressure as it squelches every bit of happiness out of your sweaty, gripping palms.
However, at what cost do we view the cover of Vogue, or Cosmopolitan? It is a hard enough lot for a "normal," healthy, sane individual to drown in these subliminal messages. Even as TV moves towards a more normal reality, it does so in an unhealthy manner. Yes, Khloe Kardashian is not the skinny princess we grew up with, but is she not still insanely beautiful? Most people do not look like that, at all.
As someone with BDD, these thoughts are pure poison. Even viewing a female, something I have no desire to be, fills me with sadness. In a country so obsessed with symmetry and beauty, it is deathly terrifying to view myself in the mirror and realize I am not that at all, and I never will be.
One thing I have learned in BDD treatment is symmetry is non-existant. For those that are curious to see what their face looks like symmetrically, I implore you, follow the instructions on this link: http://www.photoshopfacelift.com/tutorials/symmetrical-face/index.php
Nature is not symmetrical. Indeed, I can see the beauty in everyone else's face but my own. I often thought with my ex-boyfriend "God he's so attractive, his face is perfect" - I was challenged by my therapist, Daniel, to find inconsistencies in his facial symmetry. I was shocked to find that almost every single feature in his face was asymmetrical. His jaw, nose, eyes, lips, almost everything was uneven, but it was something my brain chose to ignore for the sake of my negative grandiosity.
So if he can be asymmetrical and beautiful, why can't I? This question resounds in my head, constantly. From a purely selfish stand-point, a quick glance in the mirror answers this question for me: my nose is ugly, it's misshapen, uneven, and fat. But really, from a realistic point of view, is this not a bizarre double-standard I hold against myself? How often do I come across someone and think the same thing about them? This condemnation is unrealistic. Sure, I have come across people in my past and had similar thoughts, but were these not clearly extreme cases, in which their nose was so noticeably deformed that it did nothing but draw my attention to it?
But such is the nature of BDD. Cruel, and discriminating. To spit on everything you know to be real in your life. To tell you the lie that you are held to a higher standard than others, to force the idea of "perfection or disaster" down your throat until you are gurgling under it's massive pressure as it squelches every bit of happiness out of your sweaty, gripping palms.
Prologue
This blog, as previously stated, is going to be a mix of rantings of a psycho with BDD and OCD (myself) as well as excerpts from my as of yet unfinished book. My book (which is about 30% done or so) is a collection of relevant stories to the culmination of my insanity and how I got to the point I'm at today. I intend to give readers a look into a rare mental illness: Body Dysmorphic Disorder, and it's entailing features.
Excerpts from my book will be in quotations, and unless stated otherwise, are direct quotes from me. I will cite sources where necessary, as a blind foray into a mental illness a large portion of the public is unaware of would be kind of silly. First and foremost, however, I would like to direct you to the extremely accurate wikipedia article on said subject: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Body_dysmorphic_disorder - these are all facts that are artfully constructed, and despite wikipedia's reputation for being incorrect, almost everything there is true, untwisted by opinions or bias.
So my intent with my book is to not offer an education; I am in no way "formally educated" on the subject, beyond my own reading and investigation. What I can offer, however, is something that is much harder to find than factoids: A human, first person perspective on this rare mental illness and my journey through recovery. My book of course also heavily deals with OCD and Hypochondria, as both of these illnesses appeared in my life much earlier than BDD, but BDD has been the prevalent source of my misery for many years now.
Once a week, I will post a video blog of me talking on the subject, probably Friday, methinks. We'll see. Sorry my blog is so ugly right now, by the way, that awful banner is something I made in like 2 minutes in Photoshop - I just wanted to get the blog up and running before I devote some serious time to making it look nice.
And so, without further ado...
Excerpts from my book will be in quotations, and unless stated otherwise, are direct quotes from me. I will cite sources where necessary, as a blind foray into a mental illness a large portion of the public is unaware of would be kind of silly. First and foremost, however, I would like to direct you to the extremely accurate wikipedia article on said subject: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Body_dysmorphic_disorder - these are all facts that are artfully constructed, and despite wikipedia's reputation for being incorrect, almost everything there is true, untwisted by opinions or bias.
So my intent with my book is to not offer an education; I am in no way "formally educated" on the subject, beyond my own reading and investigation. What I can offer, however, is something that is much harder to find than factoids: A human, first person perspective on this rare mental illness and my journey through recovery. My book of course also heavily deals with OCD and Hypochondria, as both of these illnesses appeared in my life much earlier than BDD, but BDD has been the prevalent source of my misery for many years now.
Once a week, I will post a video blog of me talking on the subject, probably Friday, methinks. We'll see. Sorry my blog is so ugly right now, by the way, that awful banner is something I made in like 2 minutes in Photoshop - I just wanted to get the blog up and running before I devote some serious time to making it look nice.
And so, without further ado...
Sunday, September 20, 2009
This is my new, general, but still BDD focused blog
I have decided to shift any and all focus from my myspace blog to here, on blogspot. Besides the fact that myspace has apparently died, this is a much more suitable home to my thoughts, I think. The aforementioned plan in this blog is no longer valid, as I have a vision of what the next year will be for me, and I plan on following that vision with utmost zeal.
My mental illnesses have taken so much from me. They have robbed me of many opportunities, and have lulled me into a false sense of complacency that keeps me somewhere between fear and comfort. It's easy to live life in a changeless fashion, avoiding anything that places you outside your comfort zone, but this is a fatal choice as it stunts growth to the point of non-existence.
I like to compare it to job hunting; if we were to fall apart at the first sign of rejection, we would never get jobs. So to we must do things that hurt more than words can explain to truly grow in life. I have grown so much over the past five years, despite what my brain would probably like me to believe... and I intend to make this my catapult into adulthood, giving up the comfort of the "peacefulness" of inactivity, and utilizing my very setbacks that have caused me so much pain to be my life's mission.
After all, is it not normal to want to utilize our tragedies for good? For the benefit of ourselves and others?
This blog is very bare bones right now... I am working very hard to make it pretty!.... first article in my official format is coming up sometime this week. Thanks for reading.
My mental illnesses have taken so much from me. They have robbed me of many opportunities, and have lulled me into a false sense of complacency that keeps me somewhere between fear and comfort. It's easy to live life in a changeless fashion, avoiding anything that places you outside your comfort zone, but this is a fatal choice as it stunts growth to the point of non-existence.
I like to compare it to job hunting; if we were to fall apart at the first sign of rejection, we would never get jobs. So to we must do things that hurt more than words can explain to truly grow in life. I have grown so much over the past five years, despite what my brain would probably like me to believe... and I intend to make this my catapult into adulthood, giving up the comfort of the "peacefulness" of inactivity, and utilizing my very setbacks that have caused me so much pain to be my life's mission.
After all, is it not normal to want to utilize our tragedies for good? For the benefit of ourselves and others?
This blog is very bare bones right now... I am working very hard to make it pretty!.... first article in my official format is coming up sometime this week. Thanks for reading.
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