The Mirror Is Lying To Me

Hi, welcome to my (for now) simple blog. In case you didn't know, this blog is being created to document my journey of recovery from Body Dysmorphic Disorder (from here on out, BDD.) It was quite a shock and disappointment to me when I searched for a patient-driven blog on this subject and found nothing. Perhaps the stigma involved is too much for some people to handle. Or more likely, perhaps it is terrifying for those suffering from BDD to show their face on the internet. I know, for me at least, it is terrifying.

I woke up today feeling particularly horrible. I stumbled from my half-drunken sleep to the bathroom and did the great taboo - I looked, for probably 45 minutes, in the mirror. It's an interesting experience that someone without BDD could probably never truly understand, but it's my goal to make it as understandable as possible. It's a complex problem. Why, having a fascination with self-hatred for our appearances, do we torture ourselves so?

Looking in the mirror is certainly not going to change the way we look. Yet still, we endure this sick self-inflicted pain only to come to the conclusion that we are hideous. It's extremely confusing to live in a world where you possibly have no idea what you really look like. The reality in our heads is that we are ugly - no one could ever find us attractive. Why seek out affection when we know it is unattainable? It's almost a form of insanity, but to us, it's very real.

After sufficiently destroying any good feelings I had this morning, I walked back into my room and sat down, alone, spinning out mentally, thinking very deeply about the implications of what it means to be ugly. I cried for about half an hour, until the crying had ran it's course. I don't enjoy crying, but I feel so helpless - so disadvantaged. There are many things you can change about yourself, but your appearance is not one of them.

But that is the key: I can't change my appearance. I am stuck looking the way I do. What I can do, however, is change my brain. It is disheartening, but I came to accept today that maybe I will never find myself attractive. So many people, of varying attractiveness, live completely normal lives, full of confidence, self-assured and knowing they are worth everything that comes to them.

But as much as that really truly blows, it's the first step to recovery.

And at the suggestion of my therapist, I have decided to document my journey. Maybe no one will ever read this blog, and that's totally ok. It's not about viewership, or popularity, or anything of marginal importance like that.

It's about exposing myself to life on life's terms, and being ok with that. As I said, there may never come a day I am happy with my appearance... but in the end, all I can do is play with the cards I've been dealt. No amount of crying or self-pity will change my life. The only thing that can change my life is changing my views on life.

And I sincerely hope, that if anyone out there reads this, BDD or not, that they can gain a greater understanding of this bizarre mental illness, which remains largely absent in popular media. And my greatest hope, is that I succeed, and those out there that know the deep, deadening, seemingly endless pain that BDD causes, can see that it truly can be done.