Backstory

A little bit about myself...

My name is Jake and as of right now I'm 21, though I'm soon 22. I'm a gay guy living in Marin County and aside from what happens inside my head, my life is relatively normal. I have friends, I play video games, I love weird movies, I love spending time with my dog, I love just relaxing out in nature, and I love my music with a crazy passion.

But inside, it's not so normal. Unfortunately, I'm perfectly sane, so every crazy fucking thing that happens in my head, I'm 100% aware of. I have three diagnosis: OCD, BDD, and Hypochondria. While I think it's safe to say all of these are related, they're all entirely different monsters. As you might guess, I have a strange thought process that really makes no sense to even myself.

It all started when I was seven years old. I came down with a particularly horrible case of Strep Throat - of course, we live in a modern industrialized country, so this itself was not an issue. But shortly after, strange things started occurring with me. I became deathly afraid of bacteria, and it's ever looming presence. As a young child, it was quite confusing to me as to why I suddenly was possessed with such intense fear. But it didn't matter. If you wanted to touch me, you had to wash your hands. And I had to wash mine, many times over.

I didn't know it back then but it was the start of a very long and arduous journey.

Over the years, my OCD changed shape and form. I always justified it as a normal way of thinking, that everyone had things like this they dealt with. And then at around 15 I discovered drugs and things went spiraling out of control.

Very soon, I became fearful of the sun. I was afraid it would cause skin cancer, and that it's reflection off metallic surfaces would blind me permanently. I was terrified to share this information, as I thought I was schizophrenic, and was relatively sure that I was genuinely insane. Little did I know, my self-awareness of the insanity of these thoughts is what separated me from actually being crazy, but unfortunately, the cause of my suffering as well.

BDD came along very soon after. I was with my friend one day when she accidently broke my nose by bumping her head into my nose. At first, it didn't really bother me, but within a few months, I was spending hours looking in the mirror at my nose. And then, another incident. A not-so-great friend through a rather large and heavy portable phone at my nose, breaking it in the same place, yet again.

From there on out, my nose became my obsession. To me, it was cleary, very very clear how disgusting my nose was. Today, my nose retains the causal of that incident; my nose is noticeably asymmetrical, clearly having been broken before. And as the way BDD works, soon it started devouring any confidence I had.

By 17, I was terrified of going outdoors and being seen by people. Any minor glance from someone was evidence they noticed my nose and how ugly it made me. And then came my obsession with my skin. Soon, I was convinced I had wrinkles all over my face.

A trip to the dermatologist revealed some strange news. He told me very sternly, "I am not going to give you anything for your skin; it would be unethical. What I am going to give you is serious advice you need to take to heart: You need to see a psychologist, and you need to see one soon."

Of course, my brain justified this as a lie. BDD has a funny way of doing these things; the question "Is this flaw really there and really that gross?" is almost always met with "No, what are you talking about?" - but BDD is very smart, and extremely tricky. The immediate next thought in what I imagine to be every BDD sufferers head is "They are lying to me to make me feel better."

So long story short, I was 5150'ed for several reasons, but it was necessary. I became diagnosed with OCD, and shortly after, BDD.

That was 5 years ago.

I have no gotten better in any way what-so-ever since then... I have found truly amazing distractions: relationships, pot, friends, video games, etc...

But it remains, I am no further along in my life than I was 5 years ago. I have wasted 5 years of my life avoiding something I can never escape. I am almost 22, and have done nothing with my life. But this is the time I stop. This is the time I get better.

I have devised a plan for recovery - it starts out rather simple.

The first three steps are:

1. Get a job
2. Interview for a better job
3. Attain better job.

I completed step one; I work at a movie theater I used to work at. It was very very easy for me to do so as I have many friends there. But I can't live on the money I make there. I am a trained and decently skilled bartender, and it is my full intention to have a bartending job by summer's end. I know I could easily get one, but I lack one major factor: confidence.

I am a serious pussy when it comes to interviews - I can't do them. Not because I feel like I'm incapable of getting the job, or because I feel like I'm not qualified - I'm terrified of being judged physically.

And soon, the first entry in my journey will be posted here, and the journey will begin...